Art On Our Sleeves - Manthers
By: Cody McGraw
You all know these guys. They might not have the cultural significance that their female cougar counterparts do, but manthers hold their own. They’re the guys who are past their prime, but either no one’s told them or they haven’t accepted it yet. Well, it’s about time they do. We here at SoundProof can only take so much beater wearing, soul-patch having and cologne drowning before we have to take action. This edition of Art on Our Sleeves is meant to help you identify manthers and avoid them at all costs. There’s no such thing as a DILF, so get over it. And before you ask, aliens and zombies can not be manthers, so that leaves David Bowie and the Rolling Stones far away from this list.
Greatest Hits/Garth Brooks in… The Life of Chris Gaines
In 1999 Garth Brooks was the biggest country music star of them all — well, until this train wreck happened. My favourite part of this alter ego story is that Brooks did it all for a movie about the life of Chris Gaines and the movie never got made. So he dressed like an idiot for a year for no reason. Someone up there likes us. Brooks needs to realize that throwing on a Beatles wig and gluing pubes to your face doesn’t make you look cool. Furthermore, was any lady actually prepared to let Garth Brooks in a wig use his soul patch on them? Didn’t think so.
There should be a certain age cut-off for boy bands (especially FORMER boy bands) to appear on their album covers, because apparently Duran Duran think they’re just as sexy today as they were in the ’80s.
I’ll pause while you vomit.
Is it just me or can you actually smell how much cologne they’re wearing on this cover? I’m thinking that being stuck in an elevator with them would be a cruel and unusual punishment. Hey, look — they’re even wearing leather jackets, and OH, is that the first faux-hawk of the list? I think so. I think so. No wonder they opted out of appearing on the cover of 2007’s Red Carpet Massacre. To be fair, they were probably too busy putting on cologne.
Still the Same . . . Great Rock Classics of Our Time
Hold yourselves back ladies, Rod Stewart is still trying to be relevant. Rod “the Bod” no more — he still thinks he’s sexy enough to pull off the tattered jeans and, umm, velvet(!) jacket. If there was a manther convention, which there will be someday I’m sure, Rod Stewart will definitely be the Chairman of the Board, ’80s hair and all. However, I do give him credit for having the (probably Brazilianed) balls to wear leather pants in public.
David Lee Roth
Well, someone used a little too much bronzer, didn’t they? If Hellboy and Storm had a baby and it did heroin on top of a working microwave for 40 years, it would look like David Lee Roth.
It isn’t the ’80s anymore, David. No one who has less than four kids would sleep with you sober. No one believes those two neon girls are even interested in you. They aren’t even looking at you! And if they were, they’re not even all that attractive. Your manther skills are weak, Mr. Roth. Weak.
The One Thing
A true pioneer in the ways of the manther, Michael Bolton really needs to be on this list. His flowing poodle-like hair and the chest hairs popping out scream manther with every note. At least nowadays a guy gives some “time, love and tenderness” to his chest by giving it a wax instead of rubbing it in our faces like this guy.
Feels Like Today
Country music has the most manthers out of any genre. I guess once horse riding starts giving you weird stretch marks, you have to find other ways to be attractive. Apparently unbuttoning the first few buttons of your shirt and growing your hair a little bit longer to make you look introspective are also manther tactics. But just because you and your son have the same haircut, doesn’t mean you’re the same age and can hit on the same girls. I’ll call Maury Povich on you.
Water and Bridges
Last on this list is Kenny Rogers. Or should I say the new and improved Kenny Rogers — now with extreme facelift and new neck!
This should be a warning to all manthers. This could be you! Do you want to still be wearing your “picking up” jeans and casual, yet stylish, button-up when you’re in your 70s? I really hope you say no. Age gracefully! Accept your age! We’re begging you — BEGGING. It’s not too late. Bronzer washes off with lemon juice, soul-patches can be shaved and hair can be un-faux-hawked. Please consider it; we’re just trying to help.