Ten Songs About Masturbation

By: Hunter M. Daniels

Ten Songs About Masturbation

They say that 90 per cent of men masturbate. I say it’s more like 90 per cent masturbate, and 10 per cent do it twice as much and then lie about it*. With this in mind, it’s surprising there are so few songs about masturbation.

Here is a collection of some of my favorites. For the purposes of this list I only looked at songs that were metaphorically about masturbation. “Wow I Can Get Sexual Too” by Say Anything, for example, would be disqualified because it’s too overt. Similarly, “First Orgasm” by The Dresden Dolls would clearly be out of bounds.

10. "Turning Japanese" by The Vapors
This is one of the famous ones. A song that is at once overtly misogynistic, ("I want a doctor to take a picture / So I can look at you from inside as well"), racist (the title) and about self-pleasure. But hey, it was the '80s.

Also, look out for Liz Phair’s vastly superior cover.


Available on iTUNES

9. "I Touch Myself" by The Divinyls
Okay, so this song isn’t that good. Its got cheesy production and overblown backup singing, but back when it came out, it was definitely something of note. Perhaps the most overtly sexual song on this list, “I Touch Myself” was a bit of a rallying cry for some early third-wave feminists.


Available on iTUNES

8 ."Coin Operated Boy" by The Dresden Dolls
Perhaps the most famous song by the now semi-defunct Bostonian duo “Coin Operated Boy” is a song about love, loss, and sex toys. Singer/songwriter Amanda Palmer builds a narrative that is equal parts hilarious and pathetic as she describes a woman in denial trying to convince herself that she only needs a vibrator and not the man who hurt her so deeply.

The ups and downs and warble of Palmer’s voice are especially pleasing on the frantic live version.

Available on iTUNES

7. "All Revved up With No Place to Go" by Meat Loaf and Jim Steinman
This cut from the mega hit record; Bat Out of Hell is one of Meat’s finer moments. The song details a young would-be-lothario’s dreary virginity and his lusting for a beautiful young girl who is just out of his reach. Short and sweet (by Meat Loaf standards) at only 4:19, this song features some great riffing and the usual over the top lines that have made the album a classic. The saxophone flourishes are absolutely perfect.

Meat Loaf also released a record called, “Blind Before I Stop” a title referencing an urban legend about the dangers of masturbation. But since Steinman didn’t write most of those songs, the record isn’t really worth listening to.


Available on iTUNES

6. "Icicle" by Tori Amos
Perhaps the most subversive song on this list, Tori Amos’ song "Icicle" details the joy and trepidation that she experiences while masturbating in a room while a church group is meeting downstairs. Amos dryly intones that somewhere along the way we accidentally lost the bible verses that praised masturbation.

Fun Fact: Amos writes confessionals so it’s entirely possible this actually happened to her.

Available on iTUNES


5. "Pump it Up" by Elvis Costello and the Attractions
In my opinion it’s almost impossible to craft a great mixtape without at least one song by Elvis Costello. Luckily, he made this one easy for me since “Pump it Up”, one of his biggest singles, is about diddling. Like “All Revved Up With No Place to Go” this song is about a virgin lusting after his classmates. The kinky bass line here is reminiscent of Frank Zappa, but the hook is all Costello.

This is one of two songs on the list that has, weirdly, been prominently featured in advertising in recent years.


Available on iTUNES

4. "Epic" by Faith No More
Mike Patton has always been ahead of the curve. If this song had come out in 1998 he would have sold ten million copies. Instead, Faith No More remains a sort of cult sensation. The song, an ode to masturbation and cocaine, is a perfect example of why The Red Hot Chili Peppers hate Patton so much – they don’t want anyone to know that they’ve been cashing in on a style he got bored of almost two decades ago.

Search YouTube for details of the rivalry.


Available on iTUNES

3. "Dancing With Myself" by Billy Idol
Perhaps the most famous song on this list, "Dancing with Myself" is a perennial party favorite on the Bar Mitzvah circuit, but it's also about pleasuring oneself. When Idol wails "If I had the chance / I'd ask the world to dance / And I'd be dancing with myself" he's not talking about doing The Twist. Well, its been said the song is based on what Idol saw in a Japanese night club once while on tour, but the song is reportedly about masturbation. We prefer the latter version. It's quite possible he's referring to being rejected before he was famous and going home to, um, lick his wounds. But it's not all bad, "there's nothing to lose / And there's nothing to prove" so he doesn't have to worry about finishing too quickly.

It is a nice day for a white wedding, isn’t it?


Available on iTUNES

2. "Rocket Man (I Think It's Going to be a Long, Long Time)" by Elton John and Bernie Taupin
Probably the only song on this list that your mother knows all the words to, "Rocket Man" is one of those songs that is so melodic, you can barely stop to think about what it means. But, if you do, you might realize that John and lyricist Bernie Taupin are musing about what an astronaut, or a young boy, might do to pass the time. And when the lyrics include a line like "Rocket man burning out his fuse up here alone", you have to wonder. You might think you're too cool for Elton John, but you're wrong. Don't let the Disney movie soundtracks fool you, this guy is A-grade.

If you haven’t seen it already, look for Captain Kirk’s unintentionally brilliant rendition of this song on the internet, you won’t regret it.


Available on iTUNES

And now, for the grand finale. You’ve probably already guessed it . . .

1."Blister in the Sun" by The Violent Femmes
Everyone knows what this song is really getting at. Well, everyone except for singer/songwriter Gordon Gano who maintains that the lyrics “Body and beats / I stain my sheets / I don't even know why / My girlfriend, she's at the end / She is starting to cry” are actually about making a salad in bed for a girl who liked his big hands. Clearly, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Still, this is a folk-punk standard that is still as fresh today as it was when I learned to play it on a guitar while flirting during seventh grade P.E. It might be an obvious choice for number one, but so what? It’s damn good.

Extra tidbit: During high school I got extra credit for performing a very blue version of this song to my sign language class. I took some of the metaphors a bit literally.


Available on iTUNES

So there you go. Now, if your significant other/booty call decides to drop you, you have the perfect mixtape of songs to make you forget . . . at least for a few minutes.

 

* The statistic for women is around 70%, but since I'm not one myself, I don't really feel like I can comment on that.

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