SoundAdvice with Kay Grace Kay Grace of Tokyo's OK City OK answers your questions in this month's edition of SoundAdvice. Dear SoundProof: I'm thinking of getting a genital piercing. Good idea? Bad idea? Yours, Honestly Intrigued Dear Hon, Originality-wise, I fear your idea doesn't come off well — others have beaten you to it. Have you examined your motives for piercing your genitals? Is it to terrorise your enemies? Do you require a place to hang your house keys (if you are a nudist)? Are you one of those enraged nudists, constantly making enemies when you lash out at people because you have (once again!) lost your house keys? I cannot believe that — you seem so nice! Why not sit down with your genitals and have a frank discussion about your wishes? If your genitals agree, then, by all means, pierce away! Courage! Kay Dear SoundProof Magazine, Last night my best friend in the world got kicked out of his apartment by his landlord. So at about two in the morning, he arrived at my door asking for a place to stay. He did, but now he's talking about staying until he finds a new place, which (knowing him) could be a few weeks. It would be fine if it were just me, but I live with my girlfriend and she and this fellow don't get along at all. She's saying that I can't let him stay, but he has no place to go (his family lives in B.C.) so I feel bad kicking him out onto the street. Is there someway I can get him to leave without hurting his feelings and leaving him high and dry? All the best, Couch Surfee Dear Couch, Is this street (which you are contemplating kicking your friend out onto) anything like the streets we have in Japan, i.e., covered with a hard layer of asphalt and swarming with bicycle couriers? If so, your concerns about your friend's hurt feelings are misplaced, as the impact with the street (and being on the receiving end of all that kicking) will surely be first on the agenda for him pain-wise. He will then return to B.C. and find a new best friend, who would never kick him when he is down. Then everyone will get along! Courage! Kay Dear SoundAdvice, What is that burning itch? Thanks, Dancing (and not in a happy way) Dear Dan, A poorly fitted genital piercing may cause a burning itch, but this should not rob you of the pleasures of dancing. We may also rule out alien implants — researchers believe that the vivid hallucinations that sometimes accompany sleep paralysis may account for most episodes of alleged alien abduction. But, you ask, what if those crafty alien bastards are inducing paralysis in order to conduct their hideous experiments on us? You may have a point there. But don't despair — keep dancing, and once you hit that perfect beat, boy, the aliens will never get you. Courage! Kay